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This is the Heart Richard Bohn sculped
for me.
I think it truly is the way my heart feels
now and forever more will.. that I will
no longer have Caleb a part of my life
in the world that we know.
Lynette
for me.
I think it truly is the way my heart feels
now and forever more will.. that I will
no longer have Caleb a part of my life
in the world that we know.
Lynette
Garry 5/11/06
I don't think it is venting ......it is your pissed off that he is dead. Me too!!!! I have so much
anger I have to cap myself all the time. Why our boy ? Why ? Why ? Why?
I have to tell you this morning I was in my car and turned onto the highway and I looked in
my rear view mirror and I for a second or more seen him riding his bike like he used to do
behind me!! I was stunned for a minute thinking I was seeing things ......I am telling you I
have something going on that is making me nuts .....I feel him in the room, I am starting to
see him. I am not crazy. I am actually feel better this past two weeks than I have in a while
....I am not sure if it is because I am living back at my house or what and he is staying
around me more? But I know what I seen and it was Caleb in a blue T-shirt .....and that is
one thing I told someone a few days ago ...it is hard to go into the subdivision because I can
just see Caleb there chasing me down on his bike .....well out of the blue this morning I seen
it for real. In my heart I know he is here all the time he is with us in a way that we just can't
know. The dream I had last week and then this morning seeing him in the street! He is telling
me he is ok.
He has friends and our family all there with him and he just wants us to be ok.
One thing I have been doing is talking to him when I feel him there and when I don't ....I felt
him poking me in the leg the other night just as if he was there in body and I without even
thinking turned and said what Caleb? And then realized he was not there in body but in
spirit........his good nature and loving tender self is here with me all the time.
No doubt in my mind.......
I think James has his own burden to bear .....but honestly I don't think there is anything to
tell.....they were just out hanging out like boys do and I think James can't look at either of us
because of the tremendous guilt that it was Caleb and not him that died. He feels like why
didn't he die instead just like we do .....those two boys loved each other and James would
have done anything and still would to make it different.
I have told myself a million times but I might could have changed it ..I might could have done
something .....but no matter what his journey was over. He came here for a reason and
whatever it was it is done and he went back to were we knew him before.....there is no doubt
that we knew him before he got here, and we will see him again, and he is going to be the
first face I see when I die and he will probably say "what took you so long I been having a
blast here" or "dang momma why you gotta be like that " or " Hey momma your home"
I can just see when he went back and him telling all the funny stories to all the people that
are there with him now and them all being happy talking with him all the time ...he was so
funny and happy.
Can't you just see him and your pa paw Ernie telling stories about their time here. Cause
they didn't know each other and my dad talking to him about what all he did here ...the
hunting fishing and all that my dad loved to do.
And I am sure he is telling them what a great life he had here with us ..you being his dad and
me being his crazy momma.
Like you the hard times are being alone ...but I have been going home and reading books
about anything I can get my hands on about personal growth and our selves and what this
all means to us.
If nothing else while he was here he taught me compassion and true love....I was a hard
hearted woman before he grew up so tender hearted ..I never could understand why he
cried so much ....somewhere in that there was a life lesson for me. I have learned to accept
the things I can not change and go on.
I don't think I will ever be ok or over it or anything like that I have just had to learn to put it in
my heart and think of him and smile....inside and out.
I am crying so hard right now I can't even see.....but I do it with a smile on my face for my
boy. I will gladly accept death when the time comes because I will get to take the journey
Caleb has taken before me and I am not afraid of it.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to
look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can
take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Garry we have seen the face or fear and we are growing from it.....I hope you see that.
Caleb would be having a fit for me crying all the time....when I cry at my house he starts
whipping around my room and banging on the walls and making all kinds of things happen
.......he wants us to be happy and continue our journey till he sees us again.
He is with us now ...and I think if I didn't know I would see him again ....then I could lay down
and stop breathing because what is left ? NOTHING. and we know that is not true .....I know
I will see my boy again and so do you.
I think you guys must have been the best of friends on the other side ......and you took this
path so you could see each other along the way.....
You know deep inside me I knew he would not be here forever with me. I have thought about
it so many times I was so over protective and worried all the time and thought about it and
something in me knew he was not here for the duration. I can't explain it but I knew it. When I
got that phone call it was as if I was expecting it. All I could think was please God let me see
him first .....let his daddy see him first ...please don't let him go before I get to see him.
All I could say all the way to the hospital was Caleb don't you die before I get
there........Caleb you breathe till your daddy gets here. I knew he was going.
I have blamed, cursed God, cried and screamed and been so angry at everything and
everyone ......I think through it all I am a better person.
I have feared since the day he was born that he might die and it was a fear in me always and
it happened. I have had to face it and mostly alone and that fear has nearly killed me. But I
am learning to live without him physically here.
James is a mess I talked to him last night online for a long time ......He didn't say it but he
has guilt Garry just like us .....I know he thinks why did he get to live and someone like Caleb
"someone he thought the world of" have to die? He thinks he is worthless and no one cares
that he lived. He lost Caleb too....and he lost his whole way of living, he lived with us ...he
spent more time with Caleb than anyone more than me or you ever did ...they got up
everyday together had breakfast , lunch and dinner together and played vids and went out
and hung out together everyday .....if Caleb got gas James got gas .....if Caleb had the flu ,
James had the flu, if one got a cold the other got a cold.....I was doctoring and feeding them
together all the time. I am sure James felt lost and alone more than any of us and he has
had no one .....except his mom and sister. That whole bunch of kids does not even talk to
each other anymore.
I deserted him along with everyone else.....he is lost and alone. Just like us.
Love you
L
I don't think it is venting ......it is your pissed off that he is dead. Me too!!!! I have so much
anger I have to cap myself all the time. Why our boy ? Why ? Why ? Why?
I have to tell you this morning I was in my car and turned onto the highway and I looked in
my rear view mirror and I for a second or more seen him riding his bike like he used to do
behind me!! I was stunned for a minute thinking I was seeing things ......I am telling you I
have something going on that is making me nuts .....I feel him in the room, I am starting to
see him. I am not crazy. I am actually feel better this past two weeks than I have in a while
....I am not sure if it is because I am living back at my house or what and he is staying
around me more? But I know what I seen and it was Caleb in a blue T-shirt .....and that is
one thing I told someone a few days ago ...it is hard to go into the subdivision because I can
just see Caleb there chasing me down on his bike .....well out of the blue this morning I seen
it for real. In my heart I know he is here all the time he is with us in a way that we just can't
know. The dream I had last week and then this morning seeing him in the street! He is telling
me he is ok.
He has friends and our family all there with him and he just wants us to be ok.
One thing I have been doing is talking to him when I feel him there and when I don't ....I felt
him poking me in the leg the other night just as if he was there in body and I without even
thinking turned and said what Caleb? And then realized he was not there in body but in
spirit........his good nature and loving tender self is here with me all the time.
No doubt in my mind.......
I think James has his own burden to bear .....but honestly I don't think there is anything to
tell.....they were just out hanging out like boys do and I think James can't look at either of us
because of the tremendous guilt that it was Caleb and not him that died. He feels like why
didn't he die instead just like we do .....those two boys loved each other and James would
have done anything and still would to make it different.
I have told myself a million times but I might could have changed it ..I might could have done
something .....but no matter what his journey was over. He came here for a reason and
whatever it was it is done and he went back to were we knew him before.....there is no doubt
that we knew him before he got here, and we will see him again, and he is going to be the
first face I see when I die and he will probably say "what took you so long I been having a
blast here" or "dang momma why you gotta be like that " or " Hey momma your home"
I can just see when he went back and him telling all the funny stories to all the people that
are there with him now and them all being happy talking with him all the time ...he was so
funny and happy.
Can't you just see him and your pa paw Ernie telling stories about their time here. Cause
they didn't know each other and my dad talking to him about what all he did here ...the
hunting fishing and all that my dad loved to do.
And I am sure he is telling them what a great life he had here with us ..you being his dad and
me being his crazy momma.
Like you the hard times are being alone ...but I have been going home and reading books
about anything I can get my hands on about personal growth and our selves and what this
all means to us.
If nothing else while he was here he taught me compassion and true love....I was a hard
hearted woman before he grew up so tender hearted ..I never could understand why he
cried so much ....somewhere in that there was a life lesson for me. I have learned to accept
the things I can not change and go on.
I don't think I will ever be ok or over it or anything like that I have just had to learn to put it in
my heart and think of him and smile....inside and out.
I am crying so hard right now I can't even see.....but I do it with a smile on my face for my
boy. I will gladly accept death when the time comes because I will get to take the journey
Caleb has taken before me and I am not afraid of it.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to
look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can
take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Garry we have seen the face or fear and we are growing from it.....I hope you see that.
Caleb would be having a fit for me crying all the time....when I cry at my house he starts
whipping around my room and banging on the walls and making all kinds of things happen
.......he wants us to be happy and continue our journey till he sees us again.
He is with us now ...and I think if I didn't know I would see him again ....then I could lay down
and stop breathing because what is left ? NOTHING. and we know that is not true .....I know
I will see my boy again and so do you.
I think you guys must have been the best of friends on the other side ......and you took this
path so you could see each other along the way.....
You know deep inside me I knew he would not be here forever with me. I have thought about
it so many times I was so over protective and worried all the time and thought about it and
something in me knew he was not here for the duration. I can't explain it but I knew it. When I
got that phone call it was as if I was expecting it. All I could think was please God let me see
him first .....let his daddy see him first ...please don't let him go before I get to see him.
All I could say all the way to the hospital was Caleb don't you die before I get
there........Caleb you breathe till your daddy gets here. I knew he was going.
I have blamed, cursed God, cried and screamed and been so angry at everything and
everyone ......I think through it all I am a better person.
I have feared since the day he was born that he might die and it was a fear in me always and
it happened. I have had to face it and mostly alone and that fear has nearly killed me. But I
am learning to live without him physically here.
James is a mess I talked to him last night online for a long time ......He didn't say it but he
has guilt Garry just like us .....I know he thinks why did he get to live and someone like Caleb
"someone he thought the world of" have to die? He thinks he is worthless and no one cares
that he lived. He lost Caleb too....and he lost his whole way of living, he lived with us ...he
spent more time with Caleb than anyone more than me or you ever did ...they got up
everyday together had breakfast , lunch and dinner together and played vids and went out
and hung out together everyday .....if Caleb got gas James got gas .....if Caleb had the flu ,
James had the flu, if one got a cold the other got a cold.....I was doctoring and feeding them
together all the time. I am sure James felt lost and alone more than any of us and he has
had no one .....except his mom and sister. That whole bunch of kids does not even talk to
each other anymore.
I deserted him along with everyone else.....he is lost and alone. Just like us.
Love you
L