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| Letters to My Baby Boy April 13, 2005 Caleb, I am trying my best to pray that you are happy and safe and loved where you are now. I am so sorry this happened to you. I would never want you to be hurt in any way ever, I was so over protective of you when you were little and you grew up a responsible and good man and I just never thought I would have to worry about you. You always made the right decisions. You took care of me; you were the bigger adult than me. I miss you with every ounce and fiber of my soul. I wish I could turn back the time and spend more time with you and take better care of you, rub your legs for you and watch Johnny Carson with you. And talk to you about your day and what you did and what you wanted to do when you grew up (not a mechanic). I wish I had talked to you more about where you were going when you stopped breathing in my arms. I hope you heard me tell you that I was there holding you. And you dad was there holding your arms around me. I kissed your beautiful lips good bye and told you that I loved you forever, you are/were the light in my eyes. I was so proud of you. I am still proud of you. You touched so many people and they loved you so much, you are /were just a joy to be around. Even if I was not around as much as I should have been. I loved you so much always have. I have never been so broken hearted as I am now, and will be forever. I will have to stop for now and finish tomorrow. April 19, 2005 It is 445 am and sleep is very difficult always has been for me, you know that and now even harder. I just miss you so badly. I know you have come to me so many times and tried to console me. Your dad needs you to do that for him also. He is hurting so much, he cries for you everyday. You are in my dreams but your dad needs you to share those dreams with him little buddy. I don’t know if you can do both but try if you can. I don’t want to stop dreaming about you and I never want you to stop consoling me, just if you are able to help your daddy. He needs to hear from you in some way. You are so very missed here, if I would have know this would happen I would never have moved here and never bought you the truck, never screamed at you about the cell phone bill or started a business that consumed so much of my time and energy. You are so loved by so many people, I hope you got to see everyone at your funeral and know how many people miss you and wish it had never happened. This has caused so much pain in my heart I can’t begin to tell you, I hope you know how much I love you. I will never stop loving you and missing you. I am selling the house and moving somewhere smaller like I had planned to Do when you were to go off to college. I hope you know what a great person JT is and what a comfort he has been to me, he is kind and loving and generous and just loves me so very much. You would have really liked him, even if he is intellectual, you could have gotten over it because he is very down to earth …just a bit of a northern guy. If you can see in his heart you will see that he is wonderful to me and treats me very good. All your friends were here tonight, James, Christie, Katerie and Spud. We had pizza. James is going to take Brittany to the prom for you his girl will get over it I guess but he is doing it for you, I am giving Brit the pink dress Denise left here, for her prom just going to have to have it altered a bunch. I know you know how much everyone misses you ,,,, god I wish you were here. I have never been alone, you were my little buddy and I am having such a hard time not knowing what you went through the last days I only hope you were peaceful and not in any pain, I could not bear to see you like that, I have never cried for so many days but I have cried since Feb 28 th 2005 non –stop. I hope you passed peacefully to the heaven I hope to some day see you in. I hope you won’t for get me before I get there. I hope my dad and grand dads and grandmas where there to greet you and POP. Someone came to me in a dream and said I got your boy, I think it was POP but not sure. Could have been my dad or papaw or it could have been your papa Ernie. We are all getting your tattoo I got mine today, Jack got his the other day. I wish you were here to get it. Caleb I hope you are happy there; your time here was cut way to short. I am so proud you are my son, even if I thought I wanted a girl when I had you. You were perfect, beautiful and such a joy to me. April 25, 2005 Your dad got your tattoo this weekend. This was the first birthday in 17 years I spent without you. JT took me to Connecticut, maybe to take my mind off of the fact you were not here. I sent your school picture to everyone in Arkansas, and Oklahoma. I had the upstairs painted it looks new again all your wresting around damage had been spackled over and painted. I am still packing everything up to sell the house. I still hear you at night and feel you here. I hope your adjusting well to the other side and are happy. I still don’t understand why this happened and I still am so mad at you for leaving me, you know I am a screamer but my bark was always worse than my bite, I never could stay mad at you for long no matter how hard I tried. How I wish you were still here. I feel so alone and lost. You are my little buddy, how am I supposed to go on? May 4 2005 Caleb I don't go around my friends like I used to and they are a little upset with me because I don't , but they tell me and they want me to start coming back around they all say we don't care if you cry all day just come back and hang out!! I miss them but it just feels different for me, I am not the party animal I was 6 months ago or center of attention and just happy out drinking and dancing all night with my friends. I seem to have lost the my groove. Momma Caleb loved that his mom was so happy doing that and that I was a happy go lucky person and loved the fact that I was outgoing and always out dating , he told me one time "when I grow up momma I want to be just like you" and I said what? you want to be in the medical field? and he said nahh I want to be a player!! I almost fell out laughing! He was hysterical and I miss him and the old me, of course I am no longer a player I found JT and I love him to the core I would never do anything to change that. I just want to be Caleb's mom again. Lynette May 9, 2005 It seems to me that this is getting harder more everyday, Bet your yelling at me to stop crying like I would tell you, Caleb you a grown boy crying because I am yelling at you! Well I am a grown woman brought to her knees with grief and I cry everyday for you, for all the things you didn’t get to see or do or experience. You just grew up over the last two months and so handsome every girl in school was like secretly in love with you I think. Prom was last Sat night and I seen the pictures and it was just sad that you were not there in your light blue leisure suit with ruffles!! That would have been a hit. Sunday was mother’s day and one thing kept coming to mind when you were little you would always find some pretty weed or wildflower in the yard and pick it and bring it in to me. Then you would come in with a green frog or a pocket of worms and chase me around the house with them, and laugh so much. First mother’s day in 16 years with out you to pick me a flower. I have so many memories but I wanted so many more. I still can’t believe you’re gone. I want you to stay with me as long as allowed please, it means so much for me to feel your presence. You always had that crooked smile on your beautiful face I hope it is still there. July 13, 2005 Hey lil buddy, I can't believe your really not here, it just feels like your off visiting your dad for the summer. Then I remember your not coming home. How can you touch a heart in a way that when you're gone that heart just can't bear it? How are we supposed to go on without you? Do you know how much your loved and missed? Is this the way it is supposed to be? I miss the talks we used to have, you calling me and telling me you loved me before you said bye every time. I miss your dirty room. I miss your messy hair. I miss your smell. I miss you telling me "why you want to be like that?" and "come on momma" and "hey momma." I miss you crying. I miss the noise you and James made all the time just to aggravate me. I miss buying you things. I miss the daily phone call "can I get money out of the bank?" I miss screaming at you. I even miss your stupid dog. I miss you running around blowing your duck call. I miss the stained walls where you had to touch them all the time. I miss the sound of you coming in the house and slamming the door and could hear you take your shoes off and kick them against the wall and James trailing behind you doing the same thing and then chessie girl running behind you. I miss you tapping on my shoulder and saying "momma, momma, momma." I just miss you lil buddy. I cry for you everyday, and you know how much I hate crybabies. I don"t even know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I have been zapped into another place and my life is no longer here. There is just a terrible empty feeling that makes me feel like I am so alone. I just always thought you would be here. I hope you know how many hearts you touched here and how much love you left behind. I miss that crooked smile of yours most of all; I could always count on you when everything else let me down. Love you always and forever, Momma |
Stories about Caleb
I worked a lot of long hours at the hospital back home when Caleb was little and my oldest son was the
babysitter and just as Caleb was potty training I left him there with Keith , He is 11 years older than Caleb. Caleb
had to use to bathroom and he made it there and was successful at everything except the butt wiping... when I
got home Caleb was still in the bathroom with shit literally everywhere! I just looked at him and screamed to
Keith and Caleb standing there crying ....said momma I tried to get Keith to wipe my butt but he said no I had to
learn to do it and I was trying. I mean there was not a clean spot in the bathroom, and there was so much toilet
paper in the toilet that it was stopped up and Caleb had tried to flush it and it was flowing everywhere.....how
such a little guy made such a mess I will never know. I was so upset with Keith for not just wiping his butt and
being done with it. It was funny later but walking into that was a mess.
Garry, Caleb's dad taught Caleb to love animals of all kinds and Caleb would go out side and find all kinds of
things worms, green tree frogs or toad frogs, insects just anything creepy and crawly and he would put them in
his pockets come in the house and chase me around the house with them or he would forget and leave them in
his pockets , I would wash his cloths and when I would get the clothes from the washer all these things would be
flat against the washer tub!!! YUK !! and I could hear him giggling when I would have to clean the washer out. I
was always the one they gave all the yucky things too. He would still try to do this and he could still chase me
around the house with a green tree frog!! those things are just awful to touch.
OK this happened when Caleb was about 2 years old, I can tune out the world and never hear anything but what
I want to hear. A trait I inherited from my mom. I was watching something on TV and Caleb was across the room
playing something with his dad and he wanted me to see what ever it was he was doing and I was tuning him out
not listening, and assisted by his dad I am sure he stuck his face right in front of mine and shouted "HEY
ASSHOLE" and took off running knowing he was going to get in trouble, boy did that get my attention! I looked
at him and said what did you say? And his dad and him were in the floor laughing so hard, they got my attention
one way or another. Another way he would get my attention when he was older was to peck on my shoulder
when I was doing something or say momma , momma , momma ...till I would look up from what I was doing and
say what Caleb? And he would answer ...I love you momma. and just smile, he didn't want anything just my
attention. He was a prankster and so much fun. You don't know what you have till it is no longer there, what a
horrible lesson.
I came back to my house tonight, my room mate moved out and I am here alone in a big ole empty house. I
called JT after I sat and cried hysterically for over two hours. I could not wait for Caleb to go off to college so I
could have the house to myself and I have realized over the last 98 days you better be careful what you wish
for. I have never felt so alone in my life. There are people and friends I could call or go to their house and they
would be happy to see me or I could have went back to JT's house. But something is telling me to suck it up and
stop being so afraid of reality it is what it is and I have to learn to live with this. Even if I cry every time I come
here I have to learn to do it. I miss me and my life I want everything back I want my baby boy back so bad. I want
him to come busting through the door and say "hey momma" I want grand babies by him. I expected my life to be
so right and it has gone so wrong. I think about my life and wonder which thing I did caused me this pain. I know I
am being so selfish by wishing and questioning God, but I am so angry and so pissed off at him. I am just so
depressed and missing him so much. I hate living like this in constant pain and sorrow. I must be just terrible to
be around and listen to. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Caleb had this amazing hair it was kinda like his dad's
when I first met him but had my texture and color, he just had a massive head of hair and he wanted to let it
grow , but his dad would always make him cut it when he would go to his house, it was like a fro on a white boy!!
everyone talked about his hair and the girls apparently loved it. So I was taking him to meet his dad , we were
meeting half way in Nashville and he didn't want to cut his hair so I told him well don't go get it cut, do this when
we get there say dad now momma said that your hair was like this when she meet you and momma said that you
should understand that women like my hair like momma liked your hair. He didn't have the heart to make him cut
it that time!! It worked LOL I can still see Caleb getting out of the car and his dad looking at his hair and him
saying we are going to make the first stop at the barber shop, and then Caleb holding his hand out explaining
the whole story to him, his manners were so cute. He could talk me out of almost anything.
Love you guys
Thanks for listening,
Lynette
I worked a lot of long hours at the hospital back home when Caleb was little and my oldest son was the
babysitter and just as Caleb was potty training I left him there with Keith , He is 11 years older than Caleb. Caleb
had to use to bathroom and he made it there and was successful at everything except the butt wiping... when I
got home Caleb was still in the bathroom with shit literally everywhere! I just looked at him and screamed to
Keith and Caleb standing there crying ....said momma I tried to get Keith to wipe my butt but he said no I had to
learn to do it and I was trying. I mean there was not a clean spot in the bathroom, and there was so much toilet
paper in the toilet that it was stopped up and Caleb had tried to flush it and it was flowing everywhere.....how
such a little guy made such a mess I will never know. I was so upset with Keith for not just wiping his butt and
being done with it. It was funny later but walking into that was a mess.
Garry, Caleb's dad taught Caleb to love animals of all kinds and Caleb would go out side and find all kinds of
things worms, green tree frogs or toad frogs, insects just anything creepy and crawly and he would put them in
his pockets come in the house and chase me around the house with them or he would forget and leave them in
his pockets , I would wash his cloths and when I would get the clothes from the washer all these things would be
flat against the washer tub!!! YUK !! and I could hear him giggling when I would have to clean the washer out. I
was always the one they gave all the yucky things too. He would still try to do this and he could still chase me
around the house with a green tree frog!! those things are just awful to touch.
OK this happened when Caleb was about 2 years old, I can tune out the world and never hear anything but what
I want to hear. A trait I inherited from my mom. I was watching something on TV and Caleb was across the room
playing something with his dad and he wanted me to see what ever it was he was doing and I was tuning him out
not listening, and assisted by his dad I am sure he stuck his face right in front of mine and shouted "HEY
ASSHOLE" and took off running knowing he was going to get in trouble, boy did that get my attention! I looked
at him and said what did you say? And his dad and him were in the floor laughing so hard, they got my attention
one way or another. Another way he would get my attention when he was older was to peck on my shoulder
when I was doing something or say momma , momma , momma ...till I would look up from what I was doing and
say what Caleb? And he would answer ...I love you momma. and just smile, he didn't want anything just my
attention. He was a prankster and so much fun. You don't know what you have till it is no longer there, what a
horrible lesson.
I came back to my house tonight, my room mate moved out and I am here alone in a big ole empty house. I
called JT after I sat and cried hysterically for over two hours. I could not wait for Caleb to go off to college so I
could have the house to myself and I have realized over the last 98 days you better be careful what you wish
for. I have never felt so alone in my life. There are people and friends I could call or go to their house and they
would be happy to see me or I could have went back to JT's house. But something is telling me to suck it up and
stop being so afraid of reality it is what it is and I have to learn to live with this. Even if I cry every time I come
here I have to learn to do it. I miss me and my life I want everything back I want my baby boy back so bad. I want
him to come busting through the door and say "hey momma" I want grand babies by him. I expected my life to be
so right and it has gone so wrong. I think about my life and wonder which thing I did caused me this pain. I know I
am being so selfish by wishing and questioning God, but I am so angry and so pissed off at him. I am just so
depressed and missing him so much. I hate living like this in constant pain and sorrow. I must be just terrible to
be around and listen to. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Caleb had this amazing hair it was kinda like his dad's
when I first met him but had my texture and color, he just had a massive head of hair and he wanted to let it
grow , but his dad would always make him cut it when he would go to his house, it was like a fro on a white boy!!
everyone talked about his hair and the girls apparently loved it. So I was taking him to meet his dad , we were
meeting half way in Nashville and he didn't want to cut his hair so I told him well don't go get it cut, do this when
we get there say dad now momma said that your hair was like this when she meet you and momma said that you
should understand that women like my hair like momma liked your hair. He didn't have the heart to make him cut
it that time!! It worked LOL I can still see Caleb getting out of the car and his dad looking at his hair and him
saying we are going to make the first stop at the barber shop, and then Caleb holding his hand out explaining
the whole story to him, his manners were so cute. He could talk me out of almost anything.
Love you guys
Thanks for listening,
Lynette
12-16-05
Caleb
Your 18th birthday passed by, your 18th Thanksgiving passed and now your 18th Christmas is upon me soon
and your not here to celebrate it with us.
I know your watching and listening and you know how hard it is for me and your daddy and everyone else that
misses you so much.
I know your in a peaceful loving place, just out of our sight, but you know your not out of our heart and thoughts
every minute of everyday. There are no words to describe how much your missed only tears, millions of tears.
I see you in my dreams and thoughts always, Love you always
Your Momma
Caleb
Your 18th birthday passed by, your 18th Thanksgiving passed and now your 18th Christmas is upon me soon
and your not here to celebrate it with us.
I know your watching and listening and you know how hard it is for me and your daddy and everyone else that
misses you so much.
I know your in a peaceful loving place, just out of our sight, but you know your not out of our heart and thoughts
every minute of everyday. There are no words to describe how much your missed only tears, millions of tears.
I see you in my dreams and thoughts always, Love you always
Your Momma
TO MY SON AND BEST FRIEND. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. WHAT I
WOULD GIVE TO JUST HOLD YOU ONE MORE TIME. YOUR MOM
AND I LOVE YOU AND LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU ONCE
AGAIN. ALL MY LOVE YOUR DADDY. GARRY
12-10-05
WOULD GIVE TO JUST HOLD YOU ONE MORE TIME. YOUR MOM
AND I LOVE YOU AND LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU ONCE
AGAIN. ALL MY LOVE YOUR DADDY. GARRY
12-10-05
submit your things :
I want to encourage
all Caleb's friends and
family to please write
things about him and
talk about him it is a
great comfort to us to
know that he is still
on every ones mind
and in your hearts as
much as he is in ours.
all Caleb's friends and
family to please write
things about him and
talk about him it is a
great comfort to us to
know that he is still
on every ones mind
and in your hearts as
much as he is in ours.
Caleb in Colorado on ski trip
2005 Jan
2005 Jan
Letters to Caleb and links
Submit letter's to Caleb or/and friends and family
